As most know and can read in previous blog posts, directly following my graduation from Minor Seminary a few months ago, I packed up all my basic belongings and made the long journey to Denver, Colorado to enter the Capuchin Fransican Province of Mid-America. By the grace of God, I joined 5 other new guys from around the United States and we hit it off very well, quickly getting to know one another, as well as the rest of the Friars in our formation Friary. Although, things were going quite well, something was tugging at me and pulling me in another direction. The bracketed comments below consist of a message that I sent to my parents and pastor a few months after I began my postulancy with the Capuchins and I would like to pass them to you now:
[I have been at the Capuchin Friary for a little over month and I am enjoying my time here so far. The cool weather is a God-send and the Rocky Mountains are extremely beautiful, especially as the fall season approaches. The Friars and the rest of the Postulants here are very nice, down to earth, holy men and we keep each other laughing much of the time. I have finished my first three weeks of classes which has unfortunately been mostly monotonous review for me. There are some guys here with no seminary background, or much Catechesis background for that matter, so we have had to start from the beginning, which I suppose is just fine. It’s always good to hear things for a second or third time, plus I love seeing others learn new things about our beautiful faith. Luckily I don’t have to attend the Catechism lectures, as I have been immersed in it for the past many years. Praise the almighty God for that one! HA! We have already been on one retreat up in the mountains at the Mother Cabrini Shrine in Golden, Colorado. It was truly a wonderful and fruitful time of prayer and reflection where I was really able to open myself up to God and be completely honest with myself and my discernment.
With all of that good stuff being said, there is something that I would like y’all to know and I want to be very honest with you. I have truly submitted myself to this Capuchin formation process and thus far it has been quite an adventure and it has produced many, many fruits, especially spiritual fruits.
It has been in my deepest prayer and contemplation here that I feel God has given me concrete signs and a clearer path to walk and understand. I do not believe in the least that coming here was a mistake. I have been blessed with the opportunity to live in community again and have been enjoying all that that entails. I have "consecrated myself" to Jesus through Mary (via St. Maximillian Kolbe & the Militia Immaculata) and therefore have re-sparked my relationship with our Blessed Mother, which only struggled because of my own shortcomings in life. I have experienced the cold climate and the mountains again! I have also visited my place of Baptism and First Holy Communion, St. Michael The Archangel Parish, which was a blessing for me. I have also been given the grace in discovering more of my many weaknesses, and with even more graces, have tackled them head on. I also discovered a new great devotion and guide in St. Joseph, thanks to Fr. Regis Scanlon, one of the Friars here, who opened my eyes to some really incredible things about the earthly father of Jesus. I have also been teaching a very successful "Social Catholic Doctrine" class to the Residents at the homeless shelter, which has been a blast and has really affirmed my desire for teaching and preaching. Finally, I have experienced living in poverty which has given me a new perspective on things and has proven to be something that I desire to continue by living simply in life.
I continue to have a very special place in my heart for St. Francis of Assisi and I always will. I will also be FOREVER devoted to St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina and consider him my personal Patron! My relationship with him is still as strong as ever! However...I have come to a very difficult, yet relieving, realization that God, perhaps, has another plan for me in this life. I have come to the realization that over the past three years, my personal spirituality has become very monastic and contemplative in nature and that I really need an order which can help to foster that. It has become clear to me that I have been trying to force my spirituality to be all Franciscan all the time (purely out of an ideal), while the deepest depths of my being have been screaming Benedictine, contemplation & monasticism. I now understand that I am just not as ‘spiritually & charismatically spontaneous’ as the Franciscans are and that is perfectly OK. I cannot be someone or something that I am not. I cannot keep trying to fit a mold that I cannot fit into, no matter how much I contort, shift, or move around with it. I also understand fully now that I can always embrace the Franciscan “spirit,” which is total Gospel living, with ANYTHING I do in life, even as a Benedictine Monk, Diocesan Priest, Family man etc.
My experiences and prayer while here with the Capuchin Friars have brought me to this:
- I sorely miss and long for the rich Benedictine "liturgies," which in some circles is seen as the primacy of our faith, as it is our Divine worship.
- I prefer the firmer prayer and work schedule of a Monastery much more than the contatnly changing schedule that the Friars follow here.
- I am completely drawn to the life of "Ora et Labora,” which translates to "prayer and work."
- The surroundings, atmosphere, and grounds of any Abbey & Monastery are, in every way, more conducive to prayer and truly do help my spiritual needs and endeavors. It also gives ample space to walk around, find solitude in my contemplation, and just plain EXPLORE.
- Every part of me longs for the music and chanting aspect of the monastic worship and prayer life because it uplifts me and helps me to transcend past the chapel floor here (there is little to NO music here, which is a striggle for me).
- I whole-heartedly desire a more austere life than what the Capuchins have to offer.
- Surprisingly, I desire more quiet! I never ever in a million years thought that I would desire silence at meals until coming here to discern with the Capuchin Friars who eat together for EVERY single meal. I have a new appreciation for the Benedictine practice of silent meals, especially if brothers are around each other ALL day long (it's a good time for rest, silence and to take in scripture/spiritual readings).
- I have been entranced by the rich history and tradition of many of the Monasteries around the United States and I think I'm feeling called to become part of that tradition.
- I had a slightly skewed idea of what the Capuchin life was really like. I really, truly didn't spend enough time visiting here before applying and entering. This life is just not for me, I know that now, though I am very thankful for the experience.
…These are just naming a few.
So, this is where I'm at and I wanted y'all to be among the first to know. I have pretty much seen all of what the day-to-day life of a Capuchin Friar entails and as beautiful of a life as it is in MY ideal and in reality for some, I am almost certain that I was/am meant for another charism. The great thing about ALL religious orders is that they all are striving for a life of holiness, sanctity, and closness/unity with God. They also live their lives entirely for others, whether one is a Trappist monk tucked away in the Alps to live in life-long prayer & supplication or whether one is a barefoot, humble Friar in the streets of Calcutta, India helping the homeless. If the Benedictine life is the life I am supposed to live (and I think that it is) then I want to live it as St. Theodore of Studium proclaimed, "A monk is he who directs his gaze towards God alone, and who, being at peace with God, becomes a source of peace for others." I want more than anything to help the “spiritually homeless & destitute” and spend my life seeking God in contemplation and in more subdued, yet extremely essential ministries, while of course never ceasing or subduing my own creativity, passion, or gifts. I fully acknowledge my God-given gifts of working with people, thriving in the "one on one," and perhaps teaching & preaching and I know that I can still do all of that, perhaps even more, with the Benedictines.]
So, soon after I came to these realizations and after honest discussions with my parents, formation director, and spiritual director, I began making plans to leave formation with the Capuchin Franciscans in Denver (on very good terms with them, thank God!) and I returned home to Austin to begin my pivot in a new vocational direction! Soon after arriving at home, I began this new discernment by contacting three Monasteries, the one in Louisiana, St. Joseph (where I attended Seminary) another in Arkansas, Subiaco Abbey & one more in Oklahoma (just to get a look at another monastery). Soon after the initial contacts, my discernment visits to the monasteries began!
TO BE CONTINUED in the next post...
